Thursday, March 12

Postponement

Ryhmes with engagement. That's ironic.

I can't do this whole wedding planning thing while my mom is numb to it all.

I know I have the other blog to talk about this, but this is now interupting my personal life, so bear with me.

I'm thisclose to postponing our wedding. And that is just so sad.

Today I reached my breaking point. And that's just not right.

My mom really really wants this wedding to take place in Phoenix where she lives. Without giving you guys the long list of details; Bev put it best - she really wants a party where she can host her friends in her house. I'm not sure if its to show it off, to have some wicked reunion or if she really thinks it will be the easy way to go. She has given me a list of reasons of how her guests and our family would be better off traveling to Phoenix versus Dallas.

In Dallas - the wedding cost would be more affordable. The dollar could be stretched far and wide.

I want a loft type venue. I can hear it in her voice that she doesn't feel the same way.

I found two lofts, one in Phoenix, one in Dallas. She's against both. The one in Phoenix will only hold 50 guests; so that means her list will get cut dramatically. I can hear it in her voice, that's not a good thing.

We want more of a party atmosphere - serving heavy drinks and appetizers. She told me that if you have traveling guests you better serve them a plated meal.

She wants to tie bows around things. No - she wants to tie tulle bows around things. That's not my style, I'm way more modern than that. She wants matchy-matchy invitations that are multiple pieces of paper detailing events. I prefer the one-sheeter.

But she holds the purse. And you know what, thats not really bothering me at all. Its the fact that she hasn't, not once, gotten excited about one thing that I want in this wedding. Not one thing. All my ideas and wants have been defied by her. And that hurts. It really hurts.

I foresaw this whole engagement period as a time that mother and daughter got to plan something together. I see it as her day, too. I really do. But in the end, she keeps telling me its my day, do what I want. But, I need that excitement, that joy, something I'm not getting from her. And it makes me cry. Even while I tried on dresses, I thought there'd be a moment, you know that moment, where the mom finally sees her daughter as a bride and gets emotional? Doesn't that happen?

It didn't for me. Just once, I want to see her excited and enthusiased about this. I tell her she sounds so eh and she tells me right back, that she is tired or the day was long or "eh". What? Everyday? Each time I talk to her? No.

I dont know what to do or how to handle this because I've never been a bride before. The only answer that I could come up with today, through tears and disappointment was postponement.

47 comments:

A said...

:( Mothers are terrible sometimes. If you postpone, can you finance it yourself?

A said...

Actually, self-financing doesn't really address the problem. If my mom were being so cold about the whole thing, I would be really tempted to elope.

Bev said...

There has to be another way, though I can't figure it out myself.

Jacki said...

I'm sorry! Postponement isn't going to change how your mom feels.
I disappointed a lot of people by getting married in Vegas but three years later I can still say that day was the happiest and it was about Jason and Jacki, no one else.
(We recorded it and watched it as a family when we got home so they got to "see" it but not be "in" the wedding.)

Mojito Maven said...

i am so sorry!!! from personal experience, I have found that you have to do what it best for you. There were SEVERAL things my mom disliked about my wedding being in dallas instead of denver, but at the end of th day it ws MY weding and I did what was best for me. *HUGS*

distractedspunk said...

I agree with the above comments. You only do this once. Making your mom happy is not going to make you happy. If you have to postpone for financial reasons, until you can have your own wedding the way you want, then yes.

Though I will say, she does have a point about the plated dinners if guests are to be traveling. In general, plated dinners are a good idea - it doesn't take away from the party atmosphere at all! People are still going to dance and have a great time.

Jennifer said...

1. My mom and I are as close as you and yours. My mom, when she saw me in my dress for the first time was - void. HOWEVER, when she saw me in my veil, hair did, make up on, on the day, in the role as bride...thats when it was emotional and loving, and a moment I will cherish forever. So don't worry about the shopping bit, I think David's Bridal made up that moment.
2. Can you have a rational conversation with your mom? Without bringing details in it, so it doesn't seem as you are anti-bow, or anti-PHX, can you explain to her YOUR feelings? My parents helped financially, and out of respect, or guilt or whatever, I would ask my dad his opinion and he was trying to be so low key it was driving me crazy. So I laid it out: I Need You to Care About My Wedding. Things changed with that. He thought he was being helpful by not stating his feelings and I thought he didn't care.

I said it before, I'll say it again..run don't walk to go get "the conscious Bride" by Sheryl Paul (I'll mail you my copy if you email me your address!)It helps break down these walls of frustration and makes it okay to feel frustrated and sad. Things are changing, and yes in a major good way, but some subtler changes are harder on you and your family roles.

Whew (steps off soap box)! Huggs!

Yummerson said...

Through my own experiences with my wedding you're going to find that not everyone is as excited as you are. All for selfish reasons. Whether it's you're getting married before your friends or you're the first one to get married in your family. People show their true selves at this time.

My mom never showed emotion once throughout the whole process. I'd hear about how she felt through sisters in law and parents of my friends but not once would she tell me. The day of my wedding, she didn't have to say a thing. Her eyes and smile said it all.

This is supposed to be such a happy time in your life but really most of the time it's chaotic, stressful and lonesome!

Everyone above is right. It's your wedding. You're not going to please everyone - EVER. Do things you would like. This is going to be your day to shine. YOUR DAY! Give in to one thing that your mom would like, one thing that would give you peace and leave you less frustrated.

Anonymous said...

hey everyone, GoLightly needs our prayers.
please read a post i just read from one of her friends stating she was in a car accident:
http://www.pecosgirl.blogspot.com/

I am very shocked by this news

Golighty you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Beth said...

Oh Hon....I feel so bad for you. When my Rae got married, we had so much fun doing it together,ans I so wanted that for you too.

Look, no matter who holds the purse strings...it's YOUR wedding. Ok? and it's very immature for someone holding the purse strings to hold that over your head.

Ok...can you elope? seriously. Vegas baby. Or have a smaller wedding/party where YOU guys live, with YOUR friends, where YOU want it (loft)....you'll still be married to cowboy in the end.

I hope this works out for you girl, cuz you deserve a great party!!!

NGS said...

It's a stressful time for family. My family was spectacularly uninvolved (to the point where my father actually slept through the ceremony). Neither my mother nor my father ever told me how happy they were for me or how beautiful I was or any of the stuff I kind of expected them to say.

But my groom did. And he was all that mattered.

(And I second the recommend for "The Conscious Bride." It really made me think about what my family and friend were feeling. And try to be more sensitive about it!)

Good luck to you!

Anonymous said...

PLEASE GOLIGHTYY REALLY NEEDS OUR PRAYERS NOW.
please read an UPDATED post i just read from her friend. Golighty was in a VERY SERIOUS car accident:
http://www.pecosgirl.blogspot.com/

TThis is very sad and shocking news.

Golighty you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.

Beth said...

Golightly...I love you madle and am praying like crazy. Please get well..and be back to your old snarky self. We need you...COWBOY needs you. And the wedding? whatever happens, happens. That's not importnat right now.

Love you so much.

She said...

Beth sent me, and I'm PRAYING TOO!

Dino aka Katy said...

keeping my fingers crossed for you

Patti said...

here from swishy: praying.

Texas Cinderella said...

I'm so shocked at the news. I'm definitely praying and thinking about you. I hope you get better soon.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Heard from Swishy that you were in a serious car accident. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

michelle said...

adding my thoughts to all the good ones being sent your way ... please get well soon.

Emily said...

I'm praying for you Golightly-- and sending lots of positive thoughts to Cowboy and your loved ones.

Swishy said...

I'm still going to your blog every day just in case. I can't wait to see it updated. Miss you very much.

Adirondackcountrygal said...

Praying for you...

kim said...

Here from swishy too, have been praying for you all week.

Broady said...

Praying for you, girl.

Julie Q said...

lol. this post is not funny, but it is exactly what a lot of brides go through! my MIL wanted to use fake flowers (she said the silk ones were classy) enough said.

do your own thing. its YOUR wedding :)

Julie Q said...

oh no oh no oh no. i was just informed of the terrible terrible news. i'm contacting Pecos Girl right now, i am praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and praying daily!!!

Anonymous said...

^^ What she said! Still thinking about you and praying every day. I hope you know how many people care about you and are pulling for you.
-Alex

Anonymous said...

Wake up... wake up... wake up. Lots of people waiting for you to come back, Golightly.

Think and pray for you daily.

MJ said...

Still thinking of you, Golightly! And keeping you and your Cowboy in my prayers!

Anonymous said...

Its a wedding. One day. What really matters is the marriage. The union between you and the one you love. Don't let the real reason of a wedding get pushed a side. If its too much for you to handle, then just have a small wedding of none at all. Its your marriage, start it in the most calm and pleasurable way as possible. Be your own person. And do something that is for you and your fiance.

Jennifer said...

I miss you very much. I can't believe its been 2 months since you've posted. I pray for you daily and miss your wit and humor every morning.

Jessica said...

I haven't given up praying for you!! You have so many thoughts and prayers going your way. I hope you are not in any pain. I miss your witty posts and comforting comments that would always, always put a smile on my face. Can't wait to see you update this blog!

Anonymous said...

It's August 4, and it's almost been 5 months since your accident. I haven't missed a post in almost 3 years, so I'm missing your blog terribly these days. I pray for you daily and look forward to seeing a new post on this blog!!!

Katie said...

I just got married on August 1st and I can tell you from experience, I spent many nights and even weeks crying over the fact that many of my family members were not very excited, didn't like my ideas, and called me a "Bridezilla" for saying I didn't need God's permission to get married (the context of that comment is hard to explain). It's a tough situation because you keep thinking that this is your day, it should be the happiest event in your life and people just want to drag you down and do it their way. For a long time I felt like my Mom wasn't being very supportive and just sort of going through the motions but as we sat down together and talked about my vision and the things I was looking for, we sort of came to a mutual agreement of how it should go. I won't pretend to know everything about your situation but I can definitely empathize with how tough it is. As I was reading your post, the thought came to me of telling your mom, "I want it in a loft, so either we do it in Phoenix where you would have to cut your guest list considerably or we do it in Dallas where you can have all the guests you want." I think the ideas for your wedding sound great and as I'm sure you've heard before, your wedding should be about what you want. Perhaps there's a compromise to make your mom happy, heavy appetizers but maybe a smallish buffet that people could have a "plated meal" if they wanted.

Any way, I just wanted to wish you luck with your wedding and even though it's hard to keep sight of in the midst of the insane details, the most important part is marrying the person you love. I would hate to think of you postponing your wedding for reasons not related to your spouse-to-be. Hang in there!

Elise said...

Oh WOW, this is a great post & you have the most gorgeous site here. It's all perfect !

Thank you and best wishes....

Anonymous said...

I miss you golightly, come back soon...

A. Marigold said...

Thinking of you today. We miss you! I wish those of us who have known you only online could see or hear how you are doing these days. I hope someday you're able to come back and tell us.

Anonymous said...

Well, it's been over 7 months. I still check your blog weekly...just in case. Please get well and come back to us!

Anonymous said...

Golightly is officially out of a coma! While her road to recovery will be long and drawn out, she is making incredible progress. She is doing such wonderful things, and most importantly she has memories!! She can identify people in pictures and she knows those around her. She has been my best friend my whole life, and these past 8 months have been the worst. I come here often to read what she has to say because it's almost like hearing her voice. Keep praying for her, I just know she will do incredible things.

Swishy said...

I am so glad. I still check back, too, just in case. Thank you for the update :)

Vail said...

I'm pretty sure that I don't know any of you, but I always come back and read Takiyah's blog from the last few before her accident. I am a close friend. A handful of us just went up to visit her this past weekend for her 32nd birthday. Here is a link to some photos: http://picasaweb.google.com/vthrash/TakiyahSBirthday?feat=directlink

Continue to keep her in your prayers.

Swishy said...

Thank you so much for the update :) Here's hoping for lots of great things for her in 2010.

Anonymous said...

do it YOUR way!! She will get over it-- and if she wants to throw a 2nd party at her house -great- then she can do whatever.

Birthday Party Ideas said...

I am so sorry! Self-financing doesn't really address the problem. Making your mom happy is not going to make you happy.

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kids birthday party games said...

Lovely blog..good and informative..
I am so entertaining. I think my favorite b-day ritual is probably getting the birthday call from my mom. She always sings happy birthday to me.

althea arbues said...

I've got to say you've got a Monster Mom on your plate. Don't worry every thing will settle where it supposed to be. You can do it. Its your wedding after all not your moms.
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