A very good friend asked me this question this past weekend. It’s in regards to Cowboy coming home. My initial answer would be no. Per usual, I thought about it and thought about it and the answer is, yes, I am nervous.
I was pretty much semi-nervous to whatever kind of state Cowboy would be in once he got home. There are days when he is so low on the email and there are days where he sounds happy on g-chat, but this is reading his mood. I have no idea how he really is and/or if he is just getting it up for me, so I don’t have to worry. Who knows?
But her question was referring to our dynamic and its possible change due to our separation. Hmm. I never gave it much thought, so here it goes.
I am definitely used to living in our space alone. I don’t know how I’m going to react to him re-entering it. You could say I’m an Anal Annie. I have a specific space for specific items, Cowboy is the opposite.
I like the way my apartment smells, right now it smells like moth balls and I like that smell against popular opinion but it usually smells like candles and Bath & Body Works because I like to lotion up & spray in the kitchen while making breakfast. You have no idea, how weird I am, this blog is just the tip.
That leads me to, I’m used to doing it my way when it comes to our apartment. I don’t know how I’m going to react once he gets in it. I’m used to eating what I want, when I want, in the kitchen. I know Cowboy eats anywhere and it drives me crazy to sit down on the couch and find a pizza crumb. Grr.
So, that’s the anal stuff out of the way. Let’s get to the relationship.
I’ve gone four months without creating an inside joke with him or laughing about our inside jokes. I hope I haven’t forgotten any. Or how to make one. I’ve gone without his personality and little quirks – like his certain face when he is thinking hard about something and doesn’t need to be disturbed. And his body language.
If we really want to add it – his kisses, touch and uhm hmm, you know what I’m talking about. Will I know how to welcome them back and get used to them again? I’m so nervous to find out. I’m nervous to sleep next to him again.
I’m nervous to know that someone else is in the apartment besides myself. I’ll have to get used to the idea that the door can open and close without me. (Those were hard to get used to when we first moved in. I was a nervous wreck every time I heard a door open. Weird, I know!)
I’m going to have to cut out half the TV I’ve replaced him with…goodbye channel surfing and looking like a slob on the couch. I’ll have to get used to more groceries and the crap he eats as opposed to my child like eating habits.
There is a ton that I’m nervous for. Will I still be the same girlfriend that he’s left behind? Will he be my boyfriend? Will we get along the way we used to? Will I still get to run and dance in the mornings – with him there?
I’m so happy for him to come home, I don’t know what to do with myself but with that comes the nerves. Nerves of excitement, angst and the unknown. I hope our dynamic is still as it was. I’m so hopeful for our future and all the plans he has ready for us when he returns.
Each and every day that I unlock our apartment door to walk in, for a short second, I think that he could be on the other side, waiting for me. I just cannot wait for that to become a reality. For now, I’ll work on the nervous part.
CD Project: Madonna's Love Don't Live Here Anymore single. I'm guessing I liked her cover of this song so much I just had to have it. Either that or this was a stage in my life where anything Madonna did just fine by me.