Two weeks ago, one night I found myself standing on one side of my kitchen bar and Cowboy was sitting at a barstool on the other side. In a bowl in between us were some bananas. I stared at them for awhile and then said, cooly, "You know what sounds really good? Caramelized onions and bananas."
I was dead serious. He looked at me as if I was from Mars.
I then went to look in my pantry for onions, I took one out.
"Oh hell no" he said back to, "if you make that, I'm out of here."
Did it sound that gross? I thought about it and yeah! it did. What came over me? What would cause me to have such an odd craving? Because I can tell you right now, I have never ever had caramelized onions and bananas.
But it sounded so good.
A few days later, I caught myself drooling over the bananas again. This time, onion was gone. So was Cowboy. I stood there and calculated how long it would take me to drive to the grocery, run in and out with a yellow onion, come back and cook it.
Then I snapped back out of it with one thought: Holey beejeezus, could I be?
Every single thought and swallow of that pill had me going crazy. Even more crazier when one day, I was nauseous all day long. Then, I was convinced that I was so in the same boat with Bev. Same boat.
A few days later, the bananas were gone but not the anxiety. I seriously went out and bought a pregnancy test. Straight up. Those fuckers are expensive!
I didn't use it and it's under my bed right now for emergency use only. I decided that it would be emergent when I got through the white pills and no Aunt Flo. White pills came.
Day One: Nothing.
Day Two: Nothing. I'm ready to start a law suit against Yaz.
Day Three: Hallelujah!!
There is nothing that can make me go crazier. Nothing. And the funny part is during all this scary anxiety - the more & more people were announcing their pregnancies to the world. I thought for sure, yep, it's airborne, we're next!
In celebration of not being with child, I baked these. And they are damn good. Probably not as good as the caramelized onions and bananas could have been.