Can someone just make the decision for me, already?
Seriously. (speaking of, did you watch Grey's Anatomy? Was it just me or did you really, really, really, really, really want to see Callie kick Izzie's ass? I was so seriously on the edge of the couch...waiting for...nada! F that. Do over!)
Back to New York City...
This looming decision over our heads has forced us into the 'talk'. The dreaded talk. Honestly, I don't know what I wanted him to say. I don't know what I needed to hear to make the choice easier for me to make. This is what I can tell you...
If Cowboy were (Not So) Incredible - someone I dated for 2 years. NYC decision would have been made, day 1. I wouldn't even consider him in the equation. I'd most likely see New York as my escape.
When I moved to Dallas from San Antonio I was dating someone, someone I dated for over 2 years. And I still moved regardless of what he thought or wanted.
But Cowboy is Cowboy and he is perfect, so tonight he lays it on the line. Tonight he warns me that he is not good with expressing his feelings. Tonight he has not thought out what he was about to say - and when he wants to say something seriously, he thinks it out. So, tonight, I should just listen to him and I heard this:
If someone were to ask him what he thought about me and the relationship; he would say: Golightly is great, I can't believe we found each other the way we did and everything is great. Nothing I do gets on her nerves and nothing she does gets on mine.
Where does he see the relationship headed, if I stay in Dallas: If in 4 or 5 months or a year from now, our relationship is as it is and neither one of us is annoyed with being with the other. And we still want to be with each other and we are still crazy for the other. He can see us together indefinitely.
Where does he see the relationship headed, if I go to New York: same as the above, but it will take a lot longer for us to get there.
His current state of the relationship is: He didn't want to date anyone until the next year (2008) because he was new to Dallas and just wanted to enjoy the city, partying and hanging out...until he met me.
To hear him say all this knocks me off my feet, but then I'm grounded with the hard fact that we've only known each other 5 months. It's not that long, but it's not that short either. It's basically long enough to know you want to be serious with this person, but too soon to tell if you truly can say you are going to see yourself together forever.
My take is: I wish this job offer came up 6 months from now.
True, there are planes and my job allows me to travel a lot (within the state of Texas)
My head says to do one thing. My heart says the other. My heart doesn't think its worth the risk. The risk of losing a great guy to the failure of a long distance relationship. The risk of then finding another great guy in New York.
Staying in Dallas would be best for me (the hopeless romantic) and if things didn't work for Cowboy and I, I have a great support system of friends already in place. And we know how much I love that Dallas skyline. If I move and I'm miserable, I'm committed to at least one year in NYC (or else I owe 100% of all relocation costs)
Living in New York could be badass with my career: PR and jewelry and event planning? I love it!
And I know me, when all my coworkers are packing up ready to go to the city, I'll be secretly thinking what if I made the wrong choice?
Yes - New York is a dream of mine. When I was 23, young, gullible, fearless, gutless and gung-ho. I'm 2 months from 30 where I'm ___________.
Who knows...but I can say I'm in love; I'm scared; I'm stressed; I'm lost and hopeless.