It's Not Just About the Sex

It’s not all bedroom activity between the cowboy and I. I know I’ve been painting that picture for y’all – but we do have some concrete moments - not on the rooftop – and out of the bed

Sunday, we spent the entire day together. Once we were both awake and hungry, he suggested brunch.

He SUGGESTED.

(I used to have to beg (Not So) Incredible to take me to brunch because ‘brunches were for girls and girl talk’)

Again – we had the best conversations ever while eating. The boy is pretty much amazing in all that he has done in life and where he’s been. And I laugh. And he laughs harder. Then while enjoying a bloody mary, he asked if I could be his for the rest of the Sunday suggesting we rent a movie and spend the day on my couch. I said, yes.

The day was just filled with so many highs for me.

He holds my hand while he walks slightly in front of me – leading me on the sidewalks as if he is a caveman and I’m what he captured. I very much like being led in that way.

He was playfully affectionate with me as we browsed Blockbuster – we were like a couple of kids that couldn't get their hands off each other. I cannot remember if anyone else was in the store or much less in line with us.

During the walk back to my apartment, a walk that usually takes 10 minutes took us half an hour or so, due to us stopping every block while he stole kisses from me – on the street, in public, with the sun shining hard upon us. I am such a nerd because it’s these moments that have me crushed.

That fool I was with before, (Not So) Incredible wouldn’t dare, let me say that again, the fool I was with before wouldn’t dare do any of the above. Any of it. And I was the fool that was led to believe, by him, that public affection was taboo. Amazing how one fool can totally squash your ideas of romance. But that same fool, that very same fool was also the one that came into my mind a little later in the evening.

Cowboy was laying next to me talking – what about, I cannot remember, but while he was talking all I could think about is how mature and confident he sounded. How he made his points eloquently and with no doubts. He wasn’t trying to impress me by exaggerating; he was simply stating his life to me – no excuses, no regrets, no Debbie Downer syndrome in any of his sagas.

(Not So) Incredible?

Most all conversations that I can remember was full of ‘woe is me’; ‘my childhood sucked’; ‘my job sucks’; ‘I need to go back to school’ – blah blah blah. He wasn’t a complainer; he just told stories with a huge underlying, ‘boo hoo’ and he never did anything to wipe his slate clean and change his complaints. It was as if life's curve balls were only handed to him and he never did anything about it. You want to go back to school? Enroll and shut up about it. To this day he still says it - it's been two years...do it already or get over it.

And I think I was a huge victim of his pity crash parties. I listened to him and soaked in his negative outlook – as positive as I was and reached out solutions to him.

Cowboy?

The boy’s past sounds like one big backcountry poorly produced trailer trash hick soap opera with the saddest country song as his soundtrack. And he has no embarrassment for it.

He is all ‘it is what it is, I grew up where I did’ but ‘I did something about it’ and ‘changed the situation’.

Do you have any idea what a breath of fresh fucking air that is?

Its like an exhale at the top of some mountain – where the air is only fresh and not stagnant with ‘woe is me’.

And Cowboy? 27 years old. (Not So) Incredible is 34.

It’s a difference of 7 years and if I had each of them saying something in each of my ears – I’d guess Cowboy to be the elder of the two. I’d guess Cowboy to be the more educated, the one who came from a middle class background and grew up attending private schools. Not the other way around.

The comparisons do not stop there.

How is it that I was blown away last night when I called Cowboy and he picked up on the first ring? And he was at the bar with some friends.

FIRST RING. AT THE BAR?

And then he invited me to come and join them? What the F? How can this be? Do you see how bad I’ve had it (or how stupid I was) in the last relationship? It’s opening my eyes very wide. (Not So) Incredible? Never. Ever. Ever. Are you kidding me? At the bar, meant I didn’t exist. His friends with him meant that his phone wasn’t even a thought. Him being out without me surely meant out of sight out of mind. And it definitely did not mean an invitation to be out with him knowing his friends.

I don’t even know where this is going with Cowboy but he can for sure be thanked for letting me see what I had in the past is not what I want in the future.