My friend, looking at you Kate, got this bright idea: to dump all the current men in our life before November 22.
Her reason was so that we could avoid all the disappointment that was sure to come in the next two months.
Sure, we don't have boyfriends...but since we are females, it is guaranteed that we'd still be disappointed and our expectations are still high.
I thought about it...hmm, I have 3 men to rid myself of. She has two.
I got Hotlanta, Trombone, and (Not So) Incredible.
Neither of them I want for a boyfriend but I still seem to be seeing each one in different capacities. She explained to me that no matter what happens somehow we will end up calling each other bitching about whichever one didn't do something of our expectations. And let's just admit this outright: Our expectations are very low. VERY LOW.
We're not expecting gifts from any of these fools. Not even cards.
But since the both of us live no where near our families and are basically alone around the Holidays...we expect the men, who claim they care for us, to acknowledge this fact and at least, the very least call us on the Holidays & Birthdays.
That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.
Especially since we go all out of our ways to make sure these boys in our lives have great random days, like a Tuesday or something.
We're the type of girls that call and say silly stuff like: "Have a great day" for no reason at all, just because. Go figure.
Do we get that back from them? HELL NO.
But we do expect it on the Holidays and Birthdays. It's such a small gesture, seriously, and you'd be surprised how many times we've been disappointed from this small expectation in the past--sometimes from the same men that still are in our lives. How they survive, who knows?
This year, we decided to cut them out. The goal is that our next real dates must come from people we have not met yet. You know. To be fair about it because we honestly hope that not all mankind are a disappointment to us around the Holidays and Birthdays. Seriously, people, just a phone call is all we want...shit, I'd accept a text message, she argues its still not enough, but hey we all have our own demands.
I kinda agreed. I can get rid of Hotlanta and NEED to get rid of Trombone. But (Not so) Incredible...eh, eh the cupcakes? Come. On. And we dated for two years, there was some serious shit that he got me through and I may be somewhat of a better person because of him, so I cannot cut him out. We agreed that I just had to let go of any expectation of him. Fair enough.
Then Kate raised the question: could we really cut this boys out for good? She doubted it and came up with a script for each of us to give each of them.
A break up script! I'm not joking. The girl took some serious time and wrote out a script. Complete with different scenarios--like if he said this, the script went in one direction versus if he said something else, it'd go in another direction.
I was game.
Then she raised another question and doubted that we would each follow our scripts. She thought that one of us would get sweet talked out of it. Especially since I have a sweet spot for Trombone because every time he calls me or vice versa--he ends up asking me to dinner. And (HELLO) who am I to turn down a dinner?
She made the rule that the other one of us would have to be on the phone in a 3-way conversation with each man. We would stay quiet and read along on the script, and if the other didn't follow the script or we could tell the dump was not gonna happen, the 3-way person (she or I) would have to interrupt the conversation and do the dumping for us.
Oh, my. I thought that would be easy. Then she put a 10 minute limit to the conversation. We had to get in, dump him, and get out in ten minutes.
Let me tell you...
I started laughing like a hyena on my first call to Hotlanta. Only because I knew she was on the line (and it kinda felt like 8th grade, you know when you got your friend to call your crush and get her to ask him what he thought about you, all the while you had to hold your breath on the 3-way'd line, so he didn't know you were on line. OMG--do kids still do that? Someone tell me they do, please. It'd be very nice to know that they do. It brings a certain kinda nostalgia, right?)
Back to this...
Hotlanta thought I was crazy and he was getting a wee bit upset over my uncontrollable laughter. I noticed I was coming in on the 8th minute and was not even halfway through my script. I had to make it quick because the sheer embarrassment of Kate interrupting and dumping him for me would kill me...can you imagine...wait, you don't have to, because guess what? IT so did happen.
Hotlanta: yada, yada, blah, blah (he was talking about some friend of his)
Me: hee hee hee hee, well I have something to tell you...hee hee, hee.
Hotlanta: What's so funny?
Me: Well, see, uhm, well, eh. Hee, hee, hee, hee.
Hotlanta: Do you have something to tell me? What's wrong with you?
Me: hee hee hee hee
Hotlanta: Okay, what's going on with you?
Kate, in the most stern operator like voice: I'm sorry but Golightly is trying to dump you. You see she likes you and doesn't feel like you will live up to her expectations for the Holidays and Birthday. Don't take it personal, seriously, she is just trying to start fresh. And you live in Atlanta, so seriously, did you think it'd go far?
Hotlanta: What the fuck?
Kate: Yep, that's what I said. So you have 30 seconds to say your goodbye.
Hotlanta: Who is this? Golightly?
Kate: You now have 25 seconds, don't make me countdown out loud, it'll only get in the way of your good-byes. Golightly? Tell him.
At this point, if it could get more immature than this, as it did. I just laughed my ass off for the next 20 seconds. And then Kate ended the call.
Amazingly, she dumped her two guys like a pro. Less than 3 minutes, each. I was impressed. She gave me until Sunday to get my shit together to dump Trombone or she'd call him herself, solo.
I think she should start a business and she reminded me that Shannen Doherty already does this, but she's going to look into it.
Yep this is what happens when two single girls are bored with the men in their life. We resort to elementary school like behavior. But, hey at least we won't be disappointed during the Holidays and the Birthdays.