Friday, April 29
Afterwards as we were cruising, we passed a cute neighborhood, and out of my mouth came: When is your lease up? Incredible innocently answered with, "June." Then I asked; "How much is your rent?"
"You'd save a lot of money if we lived together" WHAT THE F DID I JUST SAY? He chuckled. Then it got worse because I then broke it down for him: halving the bills, he's always at my place anyways, and the fact that he never is in town so why is he paying that much rent, cable bills, electricity bills, and DSL. He replied that he has never lived with a girlfriend before. Guess what? I never lived with a boy before. I kept on this for half an hour too long. I even broke down where we could live. I dropped it when we got back to my place. As I was falling asleep I thought I made a mistake in bringing it up and vowed never to drink another margarita from Taco Diner again, as well
Now, I always put up a good argument and know that in another life I was or am coming back as a lawyer. This time I think I went too far because this morning, I got an email from Incredible asking:
If we live together, would you want a house or an apartment?
Thursday, April 28
Incredible was once worried that if we moved in together, my anal self would want to decorate the whole house to my liking. I shocked him and told him, he could take full reign of it, as long as I could do what I like in the kitchen. That room is all mine and hate when peeps mess in my kitchen. I don't even like other cooks making me meals in my kitchen. I am very particular, as you can guess. There are specific utensils for specific duties. Certain bowls only used for certain items. The plastic chopping board and the wooden chopping board can not aid in chopping the same ingredients. Cutting knives are for cutting, butter knives are for, well, um...butter! That heavy, industrial mixer is not a mixer...it is a Kitchen-Aid and I love it. It mashes, kneads, whisks, and occasionally mixes. With the right attachment, it'll cut homemade pasta. Uhm hmm.
Right now I am on a Jerking marathon and am jerking anything that I can.
The best meal that I adapted last week was Jerk Pork, spicy sweet mashed potatoes, and a fruit/cilantro salsa:
Jerk Pork (can use: chicken, shrimp, chicken wings, or steak)
I used "official Jamaican" jerk seasoning found in the Ethnic aisle of the grocery store.
Let the pork loin chops marinate at room temperature for half an hour.
Grill 2 minutes on each side, then brush more jerk seasoning onto each chop. Grill another minute.
Spicy Sweet Mashed Potatoes
For a serving of two, I used three big sweet potatoes.
Chop into inch chunks. Boil in mildly salted water (I never go by the sea water rule---eek).
Drain once softened. Added about two teaspoons of butter, 1/4 cup of whipping cream, and three tablespoons of chili powder. I wanted it spicy.
Then mash (of course, I did so with the Kitchen-Aid)
Fruit & Cilantro salsa
One can of Pineapple Chunks (in the syrup)
About a cup of roughly chopped cilantro (to match the size of the pineapple chunks)
one small container of raspberries
Mix all together, including the pineapple syrup from the can. Let sit while the meat is cooking.
Then drain. Serve on top of the Jerked meat.
When asked the question what actor would you want to have lunch with? He is my answer.
It has nothing to do with his looks. He is good looking, no doubt, but I do find others hotter than him.
I think he is just one of those 'around the way' guys that you can kick it with Any day.
Would I date him? No...
Would I sleep with him? No...
For some odd reason I'm giving many props to Katie Holmes and giving her an old school, "You go, girl!"
I'm a little envious that a girl my age gets to hang with him. He is that much cooler, now in my eyes.
And he cooks!
This is my favorite recipe: Tom Cruise's Spaghetti Carbonara:
1/2 inch of olive oil (for frying pan)
2 cloves of minced garlic
1 chopped onion
8-12 thick slices of Italian bacon
2 packages of spaghetti
2 cups grated parmesan cheese
In a frying pan, combine ½ inch of olive oil, 2 cloves of minced garlic, one chopped onion and the Italian bacon cut into small squares. Let simmer for about a half-hour, being careful not to let the oil get to a boiling point. In a bowl, beat 4 eggs with lots of salt and fresh ground pepper. Bring a pan of salted water to a boil. Cook both packages of spaghetti until al dente, drain and immediately add egg mixture to pasta. Stir the egg mixture until it is well mixed. The eggs are actually cooked by the pasta. (Make sure the eggs are thoroughly cooked before proceeding.) Pour in the mixture from the frying pan and stir. Finish with the parmesan cheese and serve!
Wednesday, April 27
Why is it each time, I announce that I dislike her, people go into serious shock? As if I stated I hate babies.
I would say I "hate" Oprah but I don't think people can really handle that. Why? She is not God. She is not the Queen. She's a rich, Black woman who, yes, did make it from nothing. But in all seriousness, I think I could do her job 10 times better than she. Yep, I said it. Her time and her Favorites List are up. I'm calling her out today because this week, I've had to explain to too many people (three) why I dislike her. I may as well share with you, too.
Monday, when I was home "sick", Incredible threw a fit that we could not watch "Starting Over" or "Perfect Proposal". The latter I understood. When four o'clock striked, he quickly changed the channel to Oprah. Nuh-uh. No way, J. He gave me that look and I knew I had some explaining to do. Let me say: I watch the show when it's a good topic or a good guest. The last time I watched, before last night, was when Julia Roberts was on 7 months pregnant. I think that was last year. So, I watch the show, but I dislike the host, which means most of the hour is spent with me yelling crap to Oprah. Here are my reasons for not liking her. Agree or disagree:
1. She never lets anyone complete a story. Next time you watch, count how many times she interrupts guests. I especially hate it when she interrupts the "experts" on the show. Aren't they there because they are the experts? It's even worse when a celebrity she is good friends with is on the show. She'll interrupt them with some jolly story about how all of them and Stedman had a picnic at her house and how much fun it was. OK--hello, Ops, we were not there! Bring us back to the interview, please.
2. She always recommends items that are way out of her audience's demographical income. If I hear her recommend a $50 home delivered pail of popcorn one more time, my head will explode. She is in love with some dumb popcorn pail which she recommends each year. $50 for popcorn?!?! Come on. I understand that she is all richer than Ritchie Rich rich but that doesn't mean she has to flaunt it. Don't mistake this for jealousy. I seriously heard this woman say (on a home makeover themed show) to Vern Yip that she did not know what Costco was. WHAT? Then she went on to say, that she will not buy $30 barstools from a clearance furniture store. Duh, Oprah. I know that. We all know that, but do you have to say that? Out loud?
I can deal with her being all richy, I just don't like that she pokes fun of it and announces her snob ways. She is supposed to be relatable to her public, which brings me to...
3. Yes, Oprah I understand that you went through a lot as a child. I know you have run into people with some major problems. Fifteen years on the air--we all know her story. Why is it when a problematic person is on the show, she cannot let them have their moment without bringing up her own therapeutic advice? Last time I checked, it was not Dr. Oprah.
4. Her Favorite Things irk me. She does it every year. Yes, audience you can scream when you find out that you were picked to be the lucky chosen but you don't have to scream after each gift is announced. You know you are getting it for free, SHUT UP, you are only enabling the Oprah's head to get bigger with each yell. Do you really believe those are her favorites? While I'm at it, all my co-workers and Oprah loving friends, please don't come to me the next day and whine why you weren't on that show and how lucky those people were in the audience. Each year, it is the same moan from the same people: "Ugh. They are so lucky. Why can't I be on Oprah?"
Now, it's not all hate for her from me. I actually enjoy her "After the Show", but I think it's only because it's when she kicks off her heels and takes off her 'hat' and is just normal. She is more relatable, but then again not everyone gets Oxygen and is able to see that other side of her.
So why can't "After the Show" be 'during the show'?
Tuesday, April 26
I'm bringing them back in full force. Last night we went to the grocery store. I wore my overalls and heels. Incredible thought I looked homeless. Oh, well. I'm bringing them back.
I met him during my junior year in high school. I was new to the school---what a cliche. We had Chemistry class together. During Chemistry, we would break for lunch and then have a study period--all within the same class. Study period meant free time. I always did my other class' homework during this time. One day I discovered Mr. Tall had the same Algebra teacher that I did. Being ballsy as I was, I erased all my worksheet answers, played dumb and asked for his help. Playing dumb was my only choice, why? I have no clue, but it worked. He didn't have enough time to teach me so we exchanged numbers. That Sunday he called me. We spoke on the phone for hours about everything but Algebra. Then he confessed that he knew I erased the answers. The eraser was not that strong. I could have learned my game playing lesson then. He asked me if I wanted to ride with him to school the next morning. We lived close to each other (approx: 3 minutes. Future meetings would be timed to the minute) I said, "yes". I didn't have a car, yet. My chariot to school, showed up every day of the week. Each day he would show up a bit earlier than the next. My parents left work early and my brother always caught a ride with my mother. They didn't care how I was getting to and from school. Those were the good days, when kids could roam freely and parents needn't worry about their latch-key kids.
One day he showed up, half an hour earlier. What else were we to do but kiss. A lot. So, it began. I think we got away with that for a couple of months. Then one day, while we were kissing and heavy petting in the morning hours (because this also happened during Oprah when he brought me home after school) my mom busted us! She so did this on the one day that we were so engrossed, it was 8:30 and we never heard her come in (our garage opener was loud). Her only question was who the hell was this boy and why weren't we in school. The car ride was silent that day and I found a new way of transportation to school, by way of my mother's car, an hour before school started. I got a lot of library time in those days.
Mr. Tall and I's kissing rounds were on hiatus.
Then Spring Break came around. I went out of town but was back by end of the week. I learned Mr. Tall had called a lot while I was gone. Later, I smartened up and knew he was bored. He called me on the Friday to see what was up and to know if my mom was home. Nope. He picked me up, we went to Sonic (my first time), and then his house. A whole afternoon of kissing was not going to suffice, teenage needs to fulfill curiosity. We did the deed. I know! Shameful, I was a junior in high school. He was not my first, thank God because I would need some therapy if he was.
That day started the affair. He knew he could get what he wanted from me. He was tall, blonde, blue eyed--what could I do?!?
I did Mr. Tall, on the down low for the next year. I lied to my friends and he did the same, so we could sneak each other in during our off campus senior lunches. Our friends caught on.
We then graduated. I went to UT-Austin. He went to Tech.
Holiday breaks, summer time, and the occasional coordinated home visits let us get down and dirty with each other. He was a familiar face and body. I knew him well and vice versa. We had our inside jokes and he knows things about me that no one else does, even to this day.
I guess it was wrong for me to say we weren't friends.
Then his family moved to Dallas: Hiatus #2.
So we spoke on the phone and made plans to see each other, soon. Soon never came and the phone calls died out completely.
Then one day in the middle of the night, while Ex-Who-Found-God slept next to me, my phone rang. It was him and his family moved back to San Antonio. I quickly hung up, he was obviously drunk and I couldn't risk the Ex to find this out. I hardly slept that night.
The next day we resumed where we left off. That continued for the next year. Yes, I was still dating the Ex (who cares, now) and he had a girlfriend (I didn't care). All I knew was we kept doing this, despite our situations and there was a reason for that. Amazing how cheaters defend their actions. Oh, well.
Then he moved to Dallas and that's where you are all caught up.
I was sad that there was never a "good-bye" lay for closure. I always wonder what would have happened if we had seriously dated. Each time I think about it, the memory brings tears and my heart sighs.
I guess that's life and I'm glad to have the memories. Certain places, sayings, and instances remind me of him all the time. I know for each memory I have of him; that he too has the memories.
You need alcohol to make homemade cocktails and I was out. Since I live within reasonable walking distance to the store, I decided to walk. To get there I have to pass many bars and their patios.
To insure that I would run into someone I know, I wore track shorts, a tee shirt, and my glasses sans make-up. I never made it to the store.
As I passed one patio full of happy drinking appropriately dressed people, I thought I heard my name. I kept walking, my mother always told me never to answer because it may be death calling. (hee hee) Then I heard it again, so I turned my head. Standing and shouting my name was my high school lovah. Tall, blonde, and now married. Our high school affair lasted a year before anyone caught on to our tactics. It lasted despite our respective girlfriends and boyfriends. (yes, I have cheated in the past). Our affair lasted 8 years of secret rendevous and encrypted phone calls. I always knew one of us would have to get married for the affair to end. Thank God, it was him first. He is that hard to resist and I'm not planning on cheating on Incredible...whoa, I just realized he is the first boyfriend that I've had only desire to get pleasure from him and no one else! Eeek, yeah make your comments. So, Mr. Tall from my past lives here in Dallas. I've always known this and he knew I lived here. When I first got here I gave him a call, one day after he proposed to now wife. Oh, the irony. So, that was the end of us. I always found it funny that I never ran into him. I always imagined I would look fierce, if I did.
There went that plan.
Mr. Tall was sitting with a bunch of cuties. A bunch of non-married, single cuties. So, I joined the patio o' fun sans make-up. We caught up and all that jazz. Then came a question from the cuties: How did we know each other?
Mr. Tall and I never really were faced with identifying our status, like that, so boldly. We were never friends and definitely not romantic in any fashion--we had a couple of dates because we both realized that we needed an excuse to do the deed.
I looked at him, smiled and lied. He understood because you know how you have those moments? Moments when the real story is so tired. Moments when you know what you had, is exactly that? What the two of you had.
Plus, we lied about it to everyone we knew then, so why stop now?
Seriously, you don't care one bit and go with the flow. Why? You are older, wiser, realize you no longer have any power over this man (or vice versa because I never really had the power. He had all the power) and enjoy yourself. Most of all, you go with it because you know you have something way better and am so over your younger naive self and enjoy the night for what it is.
Friday, April 22
All I want to do is get on my hands and knees and inhale the cleaning fumes. I'm going from top to bottom and not stopping until it is spic-n-span.
I may rearrange a few pieces of furniture as well. Either way, I'm excited. I have a method:
1. Pick out 5 CD's to shuffle during the process at a very loud, motivational volume level.
2. Dust. Disinfect. Wipe.
Do you see sleep in there? Nope. I ain't sleeping until it is finished.
Last night AP and I went to Spree Dallas--a showcase of up and coming designers. To leave her house we have to sprint out the door so that her cat, Lucy doesn't dart out of the house. We did so with the greatest of ease, while Lucy was licking herself. We went on our merry way to Spree. From there, we went to Chuy's.
Why oh why I continue to go to that place and be tortured is beyond me. First, we were seated in what I guess is the "Training Area" because each time we sit in this particular area, we get the waiter and their trainee. That is never good. Can I tell you that this is the biggest Chuy's I've been in, there are 2 other big dining sections and each time I end up in "Training Area". Last night I even laid down the law before ordering water. I warned the waitress that I know the manager and am good friends with the manager's fiance--I even dropped their names. Then we ordered and it took FOREVER for the food to come out to us. People that sat after us and ordered after us were finishing meals, it took that long. Then our waitress disappears. Poof! and we are stuck with Trainee. I understand everyone has a first day, but why do I always seem to be the guinea pig at Chuy's, why? So since I felt for the trainee, I won't go into detail how he messed up our checks because I honestly feel that it was the Trainer's problem that she decided to leave him all alone on his first night. She is the one to blame and I will definitely tell the manager about it. I can never catch a break at that place.
We headed back to AP's house. As we pull into the driveway, we both gasp as we see Lucy, the cat darting around the yard...WTF? How did the cat get out of the house? We looked at each other and we backed the car out and drove away. She called her husband and told him. He told her, if we are that scared to call 911. And, we did. AP was constantly telling the operator that the cat was out of the house and that is concerning because all the windows and doors are closed, plus we made sure she didn't dart out when we left. Can you believe the operator kept questioning her on that?
Since I know 911 will take awhile, I ask AP to take me to the store because I need some personal stuff. Girl drove me to 7-11. No. We could see the cashier, a tall Black guy picking his nose. No.
"Are you going in?"
"No. Hello?!?" I pointed inside, "I'm not buying 'stuff' from him, here"
"Why?" She asked. Okay, it's about double the price to buy personal stuff at a corner convenience store than at a grocery or drugstore and he is picking his nose. No.
We go back to the house and wait. Her husband got there before the copsI won't say it. He took out a golf club and went in. I love him. A golf club? That's exactly what I would have done, if I had golf clubs, so I would have done it with an umbrella. That's the only 'weapon' I have in my car.
AP told me to stay on the sidewalk, alone. On the dark street. Who am I? Does she know? Well, I did it. The cop showed up (a woman by herself may I add) and all was well because now, oh heck, I won't embarrass AP and tell you how the cat got out.
Since I still needed personal stuff, I went to Wal-Mart. On the drive over I was trying really hard to rationalize that I could go without for just the night. I really didn't want to go to Wal-Mart so I kept thinking if I wake up every hour and check...no, I have to go and go I did.
I'm a cute girl. Not a knock-out but cute. But since I was wearing decent clothes, lip gloss, and my hair was combed, I was a knock-out at Wal-Mart. It is eleven o'clock. Do you know who is in Wal-Mart at that hour? From my observations: a family of six kids who all needed to be in bed, all four of their daddies, a crack whore, a crazy woman, a security cop, and two men who were just hanging out. Do you know what I was at Wal-Mart in this scenario? Fresh meat and all I wanted was some personal products. I didn't want to be hit on, have kids run into me, have daddies look me up and down while they licked their lips, or have a crack whore follow me around and ask for money. Is that security cop blind? Once I grabbed the personal product, it was like Kryptonite and they all vanished. Huh, does no one want to hit on the lady during that time of the month?
If you want to be left alone at Wal-Mart, make sure and buy the jumbo box for all to see.
Thursday, April 21
Does dinner get any better than that? It kind of did, when I ate a not so sloppy joe (can you see how I am stuffing my stomach before Boot Camp starts?), left overs from Monday night. Don't fear, it wasn't as sad as it sounds. I haven't had Ben & Jerry's in forever and two years. I was crying because I was laughing so hard at America's Next Top Model. Can you believe that they had the girls interview Eve and some were so star-struck they couldn't speak? HELLO--you already met Mary Hart, Boris Kdjoe, Beverly Johnson, Nigel Barker, Janice Dickinson, Tyra Banks, and you are going to lose it over Eve? C'mon now. In probably the best photo shoot, I have seen to date, the girls got to each dress up as the 7 Deadly Sins and pose in a open coffin, 6 feet under style. I loved it. Keenah's gluttony had me laughing. I'm sorry to say that Michelle needs to go, if I hear her whine about how she could have or should have done something better one more time, I will go Kahlen-wrath crazy on the T.V. Why doesn't Tyra go off on her like she did on Tiffany last week? Does this mean she cares less about the other girls?
After that debacle, I channel surfed until "Meet the Barkers" came on. Let me say this, I love reality television shows but I really, really, LOVE reality television shows about couples and their relationships. So, yeah I will be watching Britney and Kevin on UPN in May. Call me crazy but couple reality TV is where it's at. We are flies on the wall to whomever's relationship. We get to see the fights, the kisses, the gifts, the roll of the significant other's eyes, oooh the drama, I love it. Now that Nick and Jessica are off air, I miss Nick's sarcastic side comments of Jessica. I miss her constant shopping sprees while he sits at home watching sports or decorating for Halloween. That's real. When they left, I tuned into "Chasing Farrah". Watching Ryan dote on Farrah made my heart sigh with hope, that even at an older age crushes and giddiness still happen. Then a friend asked me if I was watching "Meet the Barkers"; I wasn't until last night. Last night Travis "dared" Shanna to try one day in his shoes and he will do what she does all day. Apparently he thought she slept all day while the nanny took care of the kids...it looked that way to me as well but I had just tuned in. They traded lives. Yes, he was left with the kids all day sans nanny, but she got to go assist and model in a photo shoot; is that really fair? Well, they are cute, if you can get by all his body art. Is it just me or are they completely ignoring Oscar De La Hoya's baby, Atiana? Anyone else notice that? All in all, I will say, I will tune in next week.
Wednesday, April 20
2. Don't watch while you are patiently waiting to have the "talk" with your significant other
3. Don't watch after you have consumed a large quantity of alcohol.
4. Don't watch if you are looking for ways to reason your own cheating self.
5. Don't watch if you absolutely hate Natalie Portman because there is a lot to see of her. A lot.
If we break up, you will know about it, but for everything else I will stay mute.
Thank you, Erin and AP.
Monday, April 18
My weekend started off at the bottom and worked it's way up. Yes, I was in a car accident on Friday. Here's the scoop: Me and a co-worker were leaving lunch with a client and were suddenly rear-ended by a man in a Lexus. Thank goodness we were in her husband's Yukon, which made the Lexus look like an accordion. Campaign against SUV's---whatever. I need me a Yukon ASAP.
I have bruising and killer back/neck pains but drugs in the form of medicine take care of that. You know I went to the hospital and actually waited like common folk do. Oh, wait, I don't mean to sound all uppity---but, my mom is a physician and can write scripts for me. Those come with a price: an hour long speech about the effects and how to take them and blah blah blah. I was not up for the lecture this time around and since the Lexus' insurance was paying, I thought: why not? Let's go see what's new with hospitals these days. So, I went, waited, and was prescribed drugs. Don't you love America?
Before all that, I skipped out on work early and went to the bar with my trauma co-victim and her husband. I love him. He is so much fun. After a few Bloody Mary's; AP and her husband joined us. I was, what you could call the 5th Wheel (Not Aisha Tyler's "5th Wheel", mind you). Incredible was supposedly en route to my apartment. So I called it an early night. I was drunk by 8:30. Home by nine, watching the dumbest shit ever, that I will so watch again next week. It's Dallas, y'all. At ten, when Incredible was nowhere to be found, I text'd him. He responded with: "I'm being shady tonight".
I don't reply to his text because, I don't see the point in ruining a good buzz.
Saturday I went to GAY Bingo. Before that, I went to Matt's. I have to tell you the service there sucks but the food is worth it. Over at GAY Bingo, no one in our group won anything and the Drag Queen emcee was not so much drag. Shane, one of the guys with us, put it this way: If you are going to go drag, do it all the way. The emcee, had a goatee, fake boobs, and I could see his (her) penis through her costume. You're supposed to tuck that in with duct tape or something. It was quite a site. Then it was on to the Balcony Club where their Bloody Mary martini's should be illegal. I had way too many.
Again, I had to play Kelli's wing (wo)man. Poor Kelli, this one was straight as well. Is it that hard to hook up when you are a lesbian? I see girls kissing each other everywhere, mostly for attention not because they are gay...but that's a whole other subject.
Somehow I managed home where Incredible met me, yeah a day late but he made up for it. In the morning, he decided to fess up about his Friday 'shadiness'. I'll give him some points for addressing the subject tover breakfast at the cutest diner ever---as a way to distract me:
"You know how I was shady on Friday"
"Yeah...?" I said,stuffing hash browns in my mouth.
"Well, I met Dennis Rodman"
"Get out of here! You did? How?"
"I heard about it on the radio and called my buddy and we went to see him at this bar"
"You know how much I like him, why didn't you ask me? Thanks for the invite."
"What?" I said.
"Uh..." At this, I was worried if I wanted to know or not. "It was at the Lodge"
"...and?" I asked, "What's that?"
"a strip bar on Northwest Highway" He confessed.
"Oh. OK. Did you give out some dollar bills?"
"and took some shots with Dennis"
"What? Really! How cool was that?"
Yeah and how cool am I? I could care less if my boyfriend goes to a strip bar. Care less. He thought he was being shady and I could care less. I was more into Rodman. Where else are you going to meet Mr. Dennis, anyway? Besides, Incredible loves me, and as far as I am concerned he can go to the Playboy Mansion if that means he'll meet someone as badass as Rodman.
Friday, April 15
I don't work out, so I decided that to start off with--I will put my body through the worst deal ever.
Forget working your way up from starting out small. Heck, no. I want results and I want them now. If I die in the process, maybe Bev will take over my blog or you can just go to her for the laughs. We share a brain, so it'll be like I never left.
Boot Camp is for six weeks. They sent me a registration packet and everything. Would you believe they are dead serious about this?
#1 Rule: No Alcohol.
Let's see how long that lasts! I am going to try and keep up with all the rules and take this seriously, for my ass' sake.
I know. I know. Believe me, I know.
It's almost been a year, I know. You know there is deal, so here it is:
When I was with Ex-Who-Found-God; he would say it all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. Every phone call, every time we saw each other, every note. It was annoying. Sometimes, I wouldn't say it back and he would say, "uhm, don't you have something to say?" and fool me, would go; "I love you, too." Isn't the meaning lost in that?
I believe that I don't want to hear that phrase unless the person feels so compelled to say it; like a force of nature.
I want meaning behind each word. I. LOVE. YOU.
Incredible and I had a drunk conversation about it and we both felt the same way. Then I thought, shit, we are drunk, I need to have this conversation with him when he is sober so I know he knows where I am coming from on this. The next day over brunch he brought it up again and added more points to the situation:
People he knows that say it all the time are not happy
People say it too soon in a relationship are most likely not confident in the relationship. Therefore using the phrase as life preserver for said relationship.
Hmm...he said it not me, but I agreed because 'some people' I know are exactly like that. Note, I said: some people.
Then I shared my past experience with the Ex-Who-Found-God and told Incredible that I never want to be in that scenario, ever: even when married. He agreed. That was way back in August of last year. He has never told me he loved me. I always think its because of that conversation. You know how we dig holes for ourselves?
Cut to last night. He was in D.C. and I was in my bed.
"I was talking about you so much, your ears must be on fire" He said.
"Really? What did you say?"
"oh, well, you know the usual. Then I had to show everyone a picture-------"
Whoa. He has a picture? I don't have one of him...I know, it's been a year...I know. We are so weird.
"Wow, you must miss me" I said.
"Yeah. I do."
Longest pause ever in the history of this relationship, I so thought he fell asleep. Then he said: "I love you."
"I don't even want you to say anything back. Good night."
Thursday, April 14
I have to say, it was very well deserved. But, Tyra you could have toned it down some for me. I was so scared that she was going to come screaming through the television.
It was that bad/good. Her head was bobbing from side to side and her hands were all up in it. Plus, she was SCREAMING!!! and she has never had to yell like that before, yeah right, so she said. I have a feeling she yells at peeps all the time. Come on, didn't y'all see her on Punk'd---if that bit ran a minute longer I think she so would have served it up then.
I may have to tape the repeat on Friday night. You know for inspiration for when I need to serve it up.
Wednesday, April 13
Take a moment and peek around. He has got the best celebrity voyeuristic pics around.
His captions always have me laughing my ass off. I just discovered him two weeks ago and this is now my daily obsession.
More so I love this one for getting me to the above guy.
Just go; you'll be loving the PINK too, I guarantee it.
Then came on Janet Jackson's "That's the Way Love Goes".
Why is Janet on a station that plays classic R&B and classic Soul?
Am I old, already?
Since when did celebrities checking into rehab clinics become front news? I remember the good old days when it was all a hush-hush secret and they went anonymously to the Betty Ford Clinic and we were none the wiser. I miss those days. Now we have publicists telling us this:
Phoenix, 30, voluntarily entered an undisclosed rehab facility two weeks ago and hoped that coming forward will encourage others with the same problem to get help as well, Susan Patricola, Phoenix's publicist said.
Here are my problems with this statement.
1. Two weeks!?!?! He managed to slip in and no papparazzi reported the story and has been in for 2 weeks! So why the heck are they making it public now? Were they jealous that Brit was getting all the news last night or are they in cohorts with Britney? Hmm...and this was all an effort to get the media off her back. Like that would work, please.
2. They hope that with coming forward, it will encourage others to get help as well?!?! Come on! Were we born yesterday? Joaquin could care less. If I admit I have an alcohol abuse problem, can I please get assigned to a room right next to him, so we can go through this together? I'm just joking, of course. But, have you seen Joaquin in public? He really could care less. Watching an interview with him seems like he was forced to leave his house and interact with the public. He seems overly shy or just too cool to be interviewed or maybe he was hungover.
I love the guy to bits and just the other day re-discovered one of his better films: Return To Paradise. If you have not seen it, go rent it now. It is one of those films that went completely under radar--maybe because Anne Heche is in it--but for our viewing pleasure, Vince Vaughn also stars.
Please don't think that I am ragging on him because I honestly hope the best for him so he can kick that habit to the curb and hopefully others will see that and get help themselves.
At least Joaquin hopes so. Man, I wish I was a publicist.
Tuesday, April 12
Way back in the day when I went to UT-Austin, that is. I blame peer pressure. Well there wasn't that much pressure but everyone was doing it, so why the hell not, I thought.
This addiction led to two things: My clothes stank and now my brother is a smoker. He really looked up to me, the cool older sister I was back in the day.
I have long quit. My brother has not followed my footsteps in that direction.
I never smoke sober. Yes, I have had the midnight cigarette; what else accessorizes your fifth martini?
I think it's gross and have to pretend I am some cool person from the sixties to actually stand the idea. OK-I'll admit-I have to pretend I'm Holly Golightly and that I look quelle-cool smoking. Yes, I am a nerd.
Today it didn't matter if I looked cool or not because I was pissed off.
My co-worker decided today was the day that he was going to boss me around. Uhm hmm and knowing me I don't put up with that shit. Buuuuuuuuuut since I have been out with him socially on more than one occasion, I put up with it. I don't know why I do, I just do. I think it's because I want peace in the office and also still want to hang out with him outside the office. I think he takes advantage of me because I am so nice to him and we hang out. I should have seen this day coming.
There went that because he has crossed the line. He is my equal and there is no need to boss me around because he is unhappy. Yeah, I think that's the other cause. He is 30, single, and at an entry level position for five years. WTF?!?! Plus, I noticed today that he only does it when our manager is not here in the office or she is away from her desk and away from ear shot.
Imagine this, if you can, in the midst of his bossing me around, my overly-dramatic mother calls. Her car caught on fire minutes after she got out of it.
"[DAUGHTER] MY CAR WAS ON FIRE AND THE POLICE, FIRE DEPARTMENT, AND HIGHWAY PATROL WERE OUT HERE! ON FIRE---GOD HAS HIS EYES ON ME TODAY. I HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH TONIGHT. ALL THE TRAFFIC HAS STOPPED BECAUSE THE CAR WAS ON FIRE. I'M SO EMBARRASSED. DID I MENTION THAT THE POLICE, FIRE DEPARTMENT, AND HIGHWAY PATROL WERE OUT HERE?"
This causes me stress because my mom has a brand new car and she keeps driving her older car (sentimental?!?) as not to put the miles on her new car. Does this make sense? This is what I get to look forward to in my later years. I cannot wait.
I have her screaming/crying that God is watching over her and I have him leering over my shoulder to make sure work is completed.
So I smoked.
Monday, April 11
Why is it that in the middle of the day on a Sunday did I hear multiple Fucks, Shits, and Son of a Bitch during the Masters Tournament.
Uh-huh. I've found the loophole.
Turns out if you are a golfer who has messed up their shot, one of the above curse words is okay. How could this be? Apparently the camera microphones pick up a lot of what you are not listening to under the commentators bore. Tune them out and you are sure to hear Tiger, Chris, and Mike all swearing under their breath. Shoot, Tiger even gave out a very verbal 'Fuck' at one point. There was no missing it. Are golfers more privileged? They are playing the more refined sport and all but I don't think that excuses them. Who is watching whom, here? How did golf become the excuse?
Why are the Oscars on a 10 second delay and the Masters clearly are not? Let's also add that the Masters was shown on CBS...uhm hmm.
Lucky were we that we got a super nice cashier who let us buy as many drink tickets that we desired. How many margaritas is too many? Well I decided that ten was a good number and if I didn't use all of them, I wouldn't be out much, they were only 6 cents apiece. Like a good economist, I made sure and used all ten of my drink tickets and like a dumb drunk went on to drink appletinis after happy hour.
Let me first tell you about happy hour. Kelli found us the best seats on the patio of Tin Star, right next to the door. We were in the prime viewing area for people watching: who was coming and going all evening. We were also sitting next to a very conversational table. Their discussions ranged from Britney Spears (and how we all love/hate her) to literally getting the shit fucked out of you (don't ask, don't tell sexual mishaps) to lesbian bars. To that, Kelli's ears and interest perked. She swiftly kicked me under the table and leaned in; "They are talking about lesbians. Which one do you think is gay?" I looked over at the group; it consisted of 4 girls and one male. My gaydar only works on males and I ruled out the guy. Unless she is a very butch lesbian, how can you really tell a woman is gay? Kelli kept kicking. OUCH!
So I dove into the conversation. First, I am very outgoing and secondly, the tables are really close together and we were already sharing input with some of their talks. I was funny and very engaging in the conversations. They then asked us to join them at Manhattan Bar. Another kick from Kelli and we said "sure".
During the car ride en-route to Manhattan, Kelli informed me that she thought one of the girls was hot. 10 margaritas and I agreed. It doesn't take ten drinks for me to agree. I think that when you make new friends there is some sort of under lying attraction in the first place. Whether it be personality, looks, interests--something attracts to a new friend. Kelli went on to tell me that she was getting a semi-gay response from her gaydar before I got there from this particular girl. Just like my straight friends do, Kelli strategically laid out a plan: Operation: Girl. I have to keep this as anonymous as possible--you'll soon find out why. We made a slight detour to the gas station for gum and still arrived before our new friends. After a slight misunderstanding with the bartender who didn't know how to make a mojito* , we found a table on the patio. Kelli laid it out for me; "If Girl sits next to me, she may be interested. If she sits next to you, we know she's not gay."
WHAT?!!? How does that mean she is not gay? Do women not find me attractive. I had to bring Kelli back down to Earth with that one. She then corrected herself, "OK, if she sits next to you, you will have to do some minor flirting to see if she is gay or not" Uh-oh, I kind of wanted to go back to the original plan. Ooohkay--this is where I have to say, I'm no expert in the art of picking up, but hey, I'll try.
Girl did sit next to me. Kelli kicked me. And so started the plan. Girl and I had so much in common. There were times when it was just us speaking and could care less what the rest of the group was talking about. Each time, Kelli overheard something, I'd get a swift kick. Then came, the downer--Girl was straight. She is semi-dating a guy who lives in New York City. HELLO! You know I jumped on that ASAP. The kicks stopped--thank God. At the end of the night, Girl and I exchanged numbers. Kelli was a bit disappointed. That's what happens when you flirt your ass off and get a new friend. Girl and I already have a date, sorry Kelli.
*How are you a bartender and don't know how to make mojitos? I'm 10 margaritas drunk and cannot get a mojito? WTF? Why is it such a crime to go behind the bar and show a bartender how to make a drink? Why, I didn't see anything wrong with it.
Thursday, April 7
My good friend Belvis was in town and we went out for a night of destiny; which we didn't know at the time, but a lot of events and clues led us to Incredible and her fate. I won't bore you with the details but long story short, Belvis and I crashed a birthday party at a bar. I met Incredible on the dance floor. Belvis asked him to join us for the rest of the night---actually she told him he was joining us for the rest of the night. He did. The following week he went out of town for business and then we went out on a first date; which was brunch--which is now our 'deal'. We love brunches.
I met him at this diner in Addison. He is a diner freak, like I have said before, if it's old school-he is so into it. We talked for hours over pancakes, eggs, bacon, and hot chocolate. He came back to my place afterwards for a nap. Nothing sexual happened. We had a rocky beginning, mostly because I was still in crush mode of World Cup and then flirted with disaster at AP's wedding. I think it was around Thanksgiving when I went to Phoenix to visit my mom that it became serious. It was the first time that I had to leave him for more than a few days.
"What time do I pick you up from the airport tomorrow?" He asked.
"I'm not coming back tomorrow, I'm here for one more day."
"You are?" He sighed; "You've been gone forever". OK--I was gone for two days by the time this conversation happened.
"Are you okay? By the way you are always away on business--sometimes up to a week" I told him.
"Yeah, but that's different. This time you've left me" Oh. Then he added: "I miss you".
For me that was our Girlfriend/Boyfriend defining moment; even though we don't dare call each other 'boyfriend or girlfriend'. If you have to define it that is what it is and that was the moment it happened.
We don't call each other boyfriend or girlfriend because of an argument we had involving defining our relationship. Nobody won the debate, so therefore neither one of us uses 'boyfriend or girlfriend' to describe the other person. People think it's odd, but it's our thing. I think it's cute and love it.
You have to be a member to get into the club. It's all so pretentious because if you wait outside long enough or know the secret handshake, you can get in. If you are like me and am a semi-pro stalker; you email the door keeper, get your name on the list, and the doors magically open for you when you whisper your name to the keymaster at the front door. Then if you are Mr. McCounaghey, I'm sure all you do is show up and they let you in.
So me and my friend get into the club. I'm so high on the fact that we get in because now I am with the ultra-hip and cool creme de la creme of Dallas. This certain club is very dark inside, it's only lit by candles and few very very dimmed lights. It's also hot as hell and packed like sardines. She and I make it to the bar. $12 for an appletini---WTF? I so paid for it because that's what the ultra-hip do, right. hold $12 drinks in their hands while wearing GAP jeans and a $10 Target tee shirt. Uhm hmm, I was so posh.
As I turned around with both our drinks in our hands, my right arm was knocked and the drink spilled onto my Target tee shirt. I grimaced and looked at the culprit----Matthew McCounaghey!!
Way Back When We Were Friend quickly recognized him and pushed me aside to introduce herself to him and his Artsy friend. Matthew McCounaghey ignored her (how I twist the story but I believe it) and asked me if I was okay and if he could get me another drink. I said no, only a gulp spilled and I planned on giving that one to Way Back When We Were Friend. He said, "Well, I'm Matthew"
I said I knew that. Way Back When We Were Friend started chatting up his Artsy friend because Artsy lived in Dallas and I think she was hard up.
Soooo, I told Matthew I was Aisha Tyler. This worked a lot of times when I used to wear my contacts everywhere I went and also wore 4-inch heels because she is taller than tall and we look a lot a like---so I've been told. Plus, we are at ultra-hip club where apparently the celebs go to hang out.
He laughed at me. He laughed really hard.
"OK, but don't I look like her?" I said. He smiled out of politeness I guess because he didn't answer the question.
"Well, Aisha, you can call me Matty" I laughed, told him my real name, and shook his hand.
Way Back When We Were Friend got Artsy's number and they left us to go back to the VIP hiding area. Each time I passed him in the club after that moment, I mouthed "Matty" to him and he mouthed "Aisha" back to me.
That is the best celebrity run-in to happen to me, so you can see why Angie Harmon was nothing. That was the best. I cannot see myself topping that, unless, I meet Leah Remini because it will for sure go down if that happens.
*Way Back When We Were Friend hangs out with Artsy all the time. ALL the time. I'm not bitter just wish I had balls to ask Matty for his number. Then I am sure he and I would hang all the time, as well. Him, me, and Penelope.
Wednesday, April 6
As this blog is about me and not her, I can give you the shorter version, the one I wish she gave me.
She went to a Phoenix Suns game and sat with the announcers, Majerle now announces games in his retired time. My mom's friend has met him several times before hence the badass seats.
He invited them to the after party at his club, which is not very far from the stadium but with post game traffic it can take up to an hour. My mom drove them to the club because Majerle had a car service take him to the game. End of story. That took my mom an hour to tell me. No joke. Thank goodness I lost that hour on Sunday.
Each time I speak to her, she now adds a comment like, "[DAUGHTER], when Dan was in my car..."
Which I would love to reply with: Yeah, but mom did he tell you to call him Danny? Because Matthew McCaughney told me to call him Matty cuz we're down like that and he was never in my car"
To which I am sure she would phone-slap me for my smart-ass mouth, so I keep it to myself.
Incredible has asked me several times to jump into a shower with him (thankfully, he agrees with me on the baths). The answer has always been no. He stopped asking months ago.
You can imagine the shock and surprise he had this morning.
I had to wake up earlier to get to work for a workshop. Once I heard his shower running, I knew that he'd take awhile and if I didn't suck my analness (I'm sure I just made that word up) and jump in, I would be late to work.
I took off my clothes, took a deep breath, and hopped in the shower. OH MY GAWD. Let this be fast and sexless, please, I thought. It was neither and I was late to the workshop.
But I will never do that again, soap hurts when it gets caught in your eye and other unmentionable places.
At the bar, three men had the balls to approach me while I sat watching the game with my boyfriend. Three! They just plopped down and started speaking to me as if Incredible was an Invisible. This led me to believe, I am hotter without make-up or Incredible appears to be my Gay Boyfriend. He was wearing the GAP button down that I bought him; it's a striped poplin in very Spring colors. It is so super cute, no Guy would buy it. Maybe that was it? Seriously, I am not that hot with out the make-up. Or maybe that theory is true: you can always get some ass when you look like ass. Is that really true or just a dating urban myth? If it depends on last night it is so very true. I think it also boils down to the pheromones. Since I was running before, mine must have been stinking up the place everywhere and the scent led the men to me.
Friday, April 1
When he is out of town that means I am in a Girlfriend Heaven of some sort. I get to sleep diagonally on the bed. I get to eat in. I get to use the shower first--which is a big deal if you are anal like me. I get to sleep with clothes on. Yeah, let's not go there. Most importantly; I get to catch up to 2005.
Bless his 32-year old heart. He is old school. Which is good and bad.
When we are in his car, we listen to back in day beats, such as his Pointer Sister's Greatest Hits Live! CD. It was good the first couple of times, but how many times can you hear "Fire" without being annoyed? Then he got the KISS CD---oh, gosh, enough said. If the radio is playing, he has it tuned to K-SOUL; which is classic R&B tunes. I like those for ten minutes.
I can deal with the radio and CD player in his car because we are in the car for all of ten to twenty minutes.
It's television and movies that make me want to scream.
When Incredible has the remote; only a few channels exist: Turner Movie Classics, American Movie Classics, History Channel, TV Land, VH1-Classics, and ESPN.
Thank God for ESPN; I'll get to that in a moment. Do you know how many times I have seen "Smokey and the Bandit"--not counting when I watched it twice as a kid? TOO MANY TIMES.
AMC has it on a loop, I swear if only to torture me, that and "Rocky". When a commercial zips along while watching an older movie; Incredible zips to ESPN. I love this moment because even though it is mostly guys on the screen---they are people in modern times clothing and they are speaking about sporting events in the now. Thank God for ESPN.
Then there was the time that he got all excited over an "A-Team" marathon. I love the A-Team just like the next person who liked Mr. T. There is stuff to be done on Saturday evenings---uhm, like the bar. I left him to hang with my friend Kelli; when I came back expecting him to be passed out in bed, he was wide awake still watching "A-Team".
That's television---are you ready for movies? Really, ready?
He hasn't seen a movie that was made past 1990. Uh-huh. I am a huge movie buff, so we have some problems in that area.
There is a slight exaggeration to that statement. He has seen a select few movies made recently. By select few, that narrows it down to the big hits that everyone and their dogs have seen. You know; Titanic. Movies, like that, but I think he can count them on both hands.
Actors like Nicole Kidman; he could not name two films she has been in; if he can name one--I would give him credit. I'm sure he'll say: "Moulin Rouge"--no, he would say "that sing song movie". Uh-huh.
Sandra Bullock; he'd say "Speed". That's what he knows, when I would name everything she'd been in the last 10 years. Get it?
I've narrowed this problem down to two things: 1. He really likes the classics. 2. He has no patience to sit in a movie theater.
Yes, I have been to see two films with him while they were in the theater. "Million Dollar Baby" and "Hitch". "Baby" because, well, everyone was talking about it and I think that it falls into the "Titanic" theory stated before, so let's get to "Hitch".
The only reason he saw this with me is because my mom told him to take me. That's it. Yeah, so in order for my boyfriend to take me to see a movie, my mom tells him to do so. He wants to do right by her, I guess.
You might be saying what about Blockbuster? That's even worse because we are at home---there are ten things to distract him from watching a DVD:
1. The Classic cable channels: Turner Movie Classics, American Movie Classics, History Channel, TV Land, VH1-Classics, and ESPN
2. Food that he all of a sudden has to cook.
5. Trivial Pursuit (you know I'm talking old school Pursuit and not anything past Genus 5 edition)
6. Magazines. Bless him; he reads InStyle.
7. His cell phone
8. Outdoor activity he can see from my window
9. Food, snacks.
It annoys me to no end to be sitting next to him and he cannot pay attention to a DVD. So by the fifth minute; I take it off. It's so much easier and I can pay attention if I watch it solo.
I would try to get him out of his classics, but then that would be changing him. Plus, even though it may seem like I am complaining: I really love this aspect of him. Shoot, I fed the cause by getting the Pac-man joystick for Valentine's Day.
Is that odd? Does anyone else do this?
Tuesday morning I woke up and Incredible was already getting dressed to go and I saw his watch on the night stand. 'Please please please, let him forget it. Please' I said to myself.
Wish granted, he was out the door minus his watch.
Of course, my outfit was centered around the watch. Lookey here, I'm wearing a man's watch! I wore it all day so proudly. I emailed him and told him I had just in case he was wondering why his wrist was naked.
Then I went on to celebrate my big award and drank too many mojitos. In this case, they should be called "Giving Out Too Much Information" serum. I told that klepto/psycho story in front of everyone. Everyone included co-workers. They all laughed, it was a funny story. Afterwards while waiting for our burgers, Incredible said "Well, now that everyone knows our business"
"You know I'm leaving tomorrow and I'd hate to forget my watch in a hotel room, so you may as well hold onto it this week"
That made my whole week. I haven't shed the watch, yet.
I'm thinking I may play my own April Fool prank and tell him the watch fell off my wrist (it is way too big for my teeny wrist) and it broke. Hmmm....
Last year, I was dating/sleeping with/seeing World Cup; the other soccer player. Funny, I think that's my new thing. If you don't play soccer keep it moving.
On April Fool's last year, he called me and told me that he had something important to say to me. I muted the television and gave him all my attention. He then said; "I am so in love with you. I love you"
I was speechless. I wasn't in love with him and I didn't know how to respond. There was dead silence on the phone. Then he laughed, "April Fool's".
What a cruel, cruel, cruel joke.
I miss his fun times.