Jackass C-List Celebrity

We arrived in beautiful Sacramento. I'm a big city gal, but the ease and quietness of Sacramento, really pulled me in. I used to live there many years ago, so there is nothing new to really report...except, maybe some governator fact. Did you know that there is no Governor's Mansion? Ahnold and the kiddos live at the local Hyatt hotel. Why, they don't have a house is beyond me. A long, long time ago, the city made the Governor's mansion into a museum. Hence, why there is no mansion.
There is not much to do in Sacramento. The first night my friend, E's parents took us to dinner at 33rd Street Bistro.
(I'm telling you, my stomach never knew hunger or emptiness while I was on vacation) Once we made it back to her house, her boyfriend asked us what we were going to do for the rest of the week.
Very good question...we thought about it. And thought about it. Then Monday, he came up with a great idea: We should go to L.A.
Hella-yeah!

Now, this is where the story gets very interesting, I promise! Plus, there will only be two more restaurant links out of it as well...
E's boyfriend grew up with the Sacramento King's owner's daughter; whom we will call Too-Good (you'll soon find out why). Too-Good's dad now owns a private jet service for the sports industry. E's boyfriend made the arrangement so that we could hop on a flight.

Probably the first and last time I will fly on a private jet. All I have to say is if you have a chance to do so, hop on one. We're talking leather seats. Huge, wide, swivel leather seats. Open bar. Shower in the bathroom; which is bigger than my kitchen. Did I say, open bar? Oh and the dumb as dumb stewardess', but we won't go there because you can hardly complain about the service when the ticket was free and there is an open bar.
While on the plane, my friend E warned me that Too-Good is married to an actor. What?!?! She turned to me and told me not to lose my cool and/or ask too many questions when we meet him. Yeah, I'm not five years old but she was right to warn me. At this point, I'm thinking we are about to meet up with some real celebrity and I cannot wait to get off the plane.

Too-Good meets us at the airport. For some celebrity's wife, she looked pretty normal. I know, I know celebs are not Martians. Well, some of them aren't. She was totally laid back and cool. She drove us around and showed us some hot spots...in her badass Rover. That's what she called her car, not me. Then she took us to her house.
Whoa.
Her mother in law, whom we will get to in a bit, welcomed us and gave us a tour and showed us to our guest room. How can I explain this woman and still be nice and grateful that we stayed at their house? Hmm...I don't think I can. She was a straight up Hollywood Bitch. Thinking back on it, I honestly think that I was the first Black person to ever come into close contact with her and much less stay at her son's precious house. She was one of those who speaks loud as if I didn't know the White language.
Too-Good asked where would we like to go eat dinner?
Me, knowing nothing about hot spots to eat except for what is in InStyle, said, "Dolce" and with the snap of a finger and a flip of a phone, Dolce it was.
Ooh, I like Too-Good and if I was smart I would've worked harder to become the next Kato. Word.
Keep in mind, Celebrity Husband has not made his appearance, yet and I am still on pins and needles to find out who he is. I looked for clues allover the house. Is it me, or if you were a celebrity wouldn't you keep pictures of yourself up everywhere in your house?

Once at Dolce and eyes akimbo for Ashton, Celebrity Husband made his debut.
OH. MY. GOD.
Don't get excited, please don't. Celebrity Husband introduced himself to me; "I'm Celebrity Husband and I've been in over 200 films" just like that. Just like that. I texted a friend to double check that, he was way wrong. More like 2 films. Then Celebrity Husband goes on and on about his life, politics, religion, and all the fun topics you like to discuss with someone you just met. All the while, he is sitting there, picking his teeth with a toothpick and surveying the room for Wife #2, while Too-Good tries to excuse his actions. See, they just got married and Celebrity Husband has yet to learn not to let his eyes wander. That's what she said!
For you guys to get a better picture of these two: picture an Eminem wannabe that looks like he came from the Tommy Lee school of Rock and she is the Natalie Portman polite too good to be true girl. No jokes.

Celebrity Husband then tells us that we have to go meet some of his friends at Asia de Cuba. Okeedokeee! Celebrity Husband follows us over to the Mondrian Hotel, where Asia de Cuba is. On the way over, Too-Good went into more explanation/excuses of her husband's behavior. I just rolled my eyes and kept texting all my friends of what was happening.
Asia de Cuba was not that exciting, so I won't bore you with it. Besides, we need to get back to Celebrity Husband's mother aka Hollywood Bitch and what went down the next morning:

Celebrity Husband's mother laid out a nice breakfast spread for us the next morning. If she was not such a meanie, I would not mind having her live with me. I don't know what Too-Good's stance was on having her mother in law living with them. They were newlyweds only married a couple of months. So you know sex on the kitchen counter was out of the question.
I walked into the kitchen, Celebrity Husband's mother asked me if I used the shampoo in the guest bath.
"No, I didn't"
Did you wash your hair--she asked.
"No, I didn't"
She then put on the most horrified look on her face. "You didn't!!"; she exclaimed.
"No, I don't need to wash it everyday", she then pulled me aside from the rest of the group.
"Well, uhm, what pillow did you use last night?"
"The one on the bed"
"Yes, but which one?"
OK, Lady, a pillow is a pillow is a pillow! I didn't say that, I just said the one that she left us to sleep on, I guess. She said okay and then let me be. I went back to gobble on the best ever scrambled eggs ever, I doubt she cooked them. Celebrity Husband's mother disappeared.

The group of us went out onto the patio to discuss where Too-Good was taking us, to treat us to pedicures. Word. I tell you she was just too freaking good, I wanted to marry her. Then, with two pillows in each hand, Celebrity Husband's mother made a return. This time she questioned me in front of everyone. As if the first time was not bad enough.
"Can I ask a question?" she started, oh boy, I knew this would be trouble, "Do you generally grease your hair?"
OH MY GOD.
"Yes" Let us all note my hair is in a ponytail covered by a badass scarf. AND I'm being nice because she fed us and housed us and her daughter in law is about to buy us pedicures. Or you know this bitch would have gotten it already.
"Tezuma, which pillow did you use?"---Hold up, we all know my name is not Tezuma but I think she did that on purpose and pulled the only African sounding name she could think of out of her Hollywood Bitch ass.
"I used that one" and pointed to a pillow. She sighed and turned back around.
OK. What do we assume here? What was up with the pillows? I could only guess that she thought I was going to leave grease marks on her precious pillows, that only get hand washed in Evian water, with my Black person gheri curl grease.

The pedicure was great and I was sad to leave L.A. and Too-Good. I was happy to get back on that jet plane and leave Celebrity Husband, his house, and his mother.